One of the scientists working on the so-called ‘Big Bang machine’ has suggested using the device to bring about the very destruction of the world, after he watched Disaster Movie last night.
Professor Jonathan Freedlehummer, 56, is one of the team at Cern’s Genevan laboratory, which this week saw the first test of the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), a huge machine developed to recreate conditions moments after the Big Bang.
However, after Professor Freedlehummer watched Disaster Movie at his local multiplex last night, the physicist now thinks the machine should be used to bring about the end of all life as we know it.
“After our first successful test of the LHC I was feeling jubilant and elated. I celebrated with a few friends, and then we went to watch Disaster Movie,” Freedlehummer told gaup. “Two hours later, and I was feeling angry, depressed and disappointed. It was then I knew I had to try and destroy the world”
“I mean…really. It was completely awful,” Freedlehummer continued. “Painfully unfunny, devoid of any humour whatsoever, derivative, unimaginative, boring and just, well…shit. Pure and simple: shit. I suppose I should have known better, after all those guys haven’t made a decent movie EVER, but still, I was quite drunk at the time. Yet despite being out of my face, I still came away thinking that the movie stunk big time.
“If all we have to show after millions of years of human evolution is crap like Disaster Movie, then I think it is my duty to throw the switch on the LHC and draw us all into oblivion.”
Prof. Freedlehummer continued his rant by saying that he could not bear to conceive of a universe where abominations like Disaster Movie were permitted, adding that, “they even made midgets unfunny. Midgets, unfunny! I had always thought that was a scientific impossibility.
“It is sad really,” Freedlehummer concluded. “Originally I had hoped the LHC would be instrumental in bringing about a far greater understanding about the creation of the universe, and revealing to us the mysteries and wonders of life. Now, after watching that fucking movie, I just want to wipe all life away, just in case there’s more dross like this to come.”
So far, Prof. Freedlehummer has yet to follow his threat through, but if he does you can be guaranteed that gaup will be there with the exclusive. 
